two halves
“Wow, you don’t look asian at all” is something I’ve been told repeatedly throughout my life when I tell people I’m half Chinese. “No way.” “But you look white”. Sometimes, the disbelief is so strong that people think I’m lying to them. With other asian people, all of a sudden it becomes a quiz. “Well, go on, say something then.” “What does this character mean?”
“Not being asian enough” wasn’t as big of a deal when I was young. I had a baby face and still walked around everywhere with my mom and my brother, who had been my protection and sometimes proof that I belonged. I was a cute little kid who loved to wear her traditional Chinese dress and not just for Chinese New Year. If I did that now, would it look like cultural appropriation? Would I look like a wannabe?
I’m proud of my culture, and I love celebrating it and sharing about it with others, but I’ve started to want to only celebrate in private because I feel like I can’t change people’s point of view. If I am openly celebratory and taking part in cultural events, people assume I’m culturally appropriating and taking part in something that isn’t mine to celebrate. My question is, is there a way for me to celebrate openly without having to preface myself?
Some of my fondest memories from my childhood were when I was celebrating my ancestry and my culture, but very often I was looked at as if I should either know everything about my culture or not be able to celebrate at all. During the ages of five and six, I attended Chinese School on nights and weekends to learn Chinese and practice in a classroom instead of just working at home. I remember being so excited to learn about my culture and maybe be able to communicate with my mom in bits and pieces of Chinese, but all I got from the class were looks and stares and whispers of “what is she doing here?” For a little kid, that’s hard to hear. I may not have fully understood it then, but growing up, it never left my mind. I remember feeling so out of place and like I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.
As I grew up, that didn’t necessarily change. I wasn’t “just white,” but I wasn’t “fully asian” either. It felt like the cards I had been dealt were never going to be a good hand. I have curly hair, somewhat pale skin, freckles, and a long face; all characteristics of my dad, who I probably hurt while I was growing up, saying “I wish I looked more like mom”. I started straightening my hair, tanning all day during the summer, and doing anything I could to look more like my mom. All that did was cause a lot of heat damage, a bad sunburn, and a lack of confidence.
My wishes have changed; all I could ever want is to be strong in both parts of my ethnicity and just express who I am, because really I get the best of both worlds. I have beautiful curly beach hair that I can easily straighten, as long as I use heat protectant. I have beautiful freckles that decorate my face like stars in the sky. And best of all, because of the blood inside me, I can wear the traditional Chinese dress of my dreams at my wedding, which would make my mom the happiest mom in the world.
